I had an epiphany the other day when my kid went missing for about 2 hours. (yeah yeah...missing kid, scary stuff. She was found and fine and hadn't been raped, so we can just skip over that for now...
While I was in the midst of freaking out because my kid was MIA, one of my girlfriends mentioned that she was in the area of the school and would be happy to swing by and take a looksie. She asked if she had permission to embarrass my daughter if/when she found her. Of course! I said.
So in true bestie fashion, she held true to her word. As soon as she spotted my daughter, she began honking the horn obnoxiously and screaming her name out the window of the car (first AND last i might add). While she was disappointed that she didn't know Court's middle name, she was still able to turn plenty of teenage heads on campus, and operation embarrass the hell out of the 15 year old was a success.
How does this equate to our own childhood being a lie, you ask?
Well...it got me thinking. Every American teenager since the beginning of the beginning has believed (rightfully so) that our parents were lame as hell. But....WHAT IF...they really weren't lame and it was all just a rouse to make our lives miserable all while providing themselves with secret entertainment?
I look back on my own parents. My dad for example...surely he had to have known that under no circumstances is it cool and/or fashionably acceptable to wear swim trunks with a collared shirt, knee high black dress socks and penny loafers. But, he wore that outfit almost every time he took me out in public somewhere.
Did my mom really think that dance that she did in the stands at every marching band performance that she attended was cool? You know the one...where every other spectator is sitting and watching politely, but that ONE mom is standing on top of the bleachers raising the roof, gyrating in some motion that is supposed to resemble a dance but is in no way keeping time with the music, all while screaming your name and you are just praying that your uniform makes you look anonymous enough that no one else will recognize you. That dance that makes you secretly hate your parents for giving you a unique name that no one else has, because they would have been kind enough to name you Jessica or Jennifer, no one would ever know which kid this crazy woman belonged to.
What about when mom rolled up to the school to drop you off wearing nothing but her bathrobe? And you begged her to drop you off a conservative 6-8 city blocks from the school because "you needed the exercise anyway?" I KNOW this is sometimes a set up, because I *may* have at one point actually put my bathrobe on over top of my clothes that I was already wearing, just for the simple fact that my kids make it so loudly known that I should never, ever take them to school wearing my robe.
WHAT IF...your parents are out one day, and dad needs a haircut...and the conversation goes like this "honey, i need to get my haircut. you know what would be really funny? If I got a mullet." And mom replies "I'll pay you in a lifetime supply of *adult* favors if you get a mullet and show up at Little Johnny's football practice."
It's finally starting to dawn on me. Maybe I'm not original. I make a lifelong career out of coming up with the most creative and spiteful ways to embarrass my children. I've always done it thinking that since I had to endure lame-o parents that mine should have to do the same. But what if that's always been the way of the world. What if all of our parents were actually INTENTIONALLY embarrassing us all those years?
I feel like I've been robbed of my innocence here. Now I need to call my mom and do some investigative research.
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