God Bless Teachers

I tried to warn you guys that I would forget all about this blog shortly after it's birth.  And look at me...I've done just that.


Another back to school season is upon us.  Kids start back to their respective prisons on Monday. Although, my kids are weirdos...they love school, and their excitement at the start of a new year is bewildering. Took them all to orientation yesterday...you know the drill...met the teachers, got the mile long list of required supplies (that of course do NOT match the supplies that I've already bought...).  School uniforms have been procured.

I have a bunch of teacher friends...and can I just take a minute to say, my hat is off to you ladies (and gentlemen...).  It is all I can do to maintain my sanity where my own children are concerned. How on earth you saints manage to get thru the day dealing with other people's little heathens is beyond me.

Yesterday alone, I was on the verge of physically assaulting at least a dozen rude, disrespectful, scantily dressed little aholes.  Why anyone would voluntarily put themselves in charge of a mass of other people's kids is more than my mind can comprehend.

For that, I'd just like to say thank you.  Thank you to all of my friends, and all of the other teachers whom I may not know for putting your own sanity on the line to advance the lives of young people who will not, for many years, have any appreciation for what you do and sacrifice for them.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reaching out to our future leaders and trying to fill a role that many of them may not have at home.

Thank you, for doing what I do not have the ability to do. And for doing it with a smile.

Put up, or shut up.

Ahhh...another major election year is upon us.

I know, I know...I'm supposed to write funny things. Things that make you laugh. Things about wanting to violently assault some unsuspecting offender. Meh...it's my blog, and I can write what I want to. (ohhh...that should be a song...)

Today, I am frustrated with my generation. I am frustrated with the number of people my age who do not use their voice.  It baffles me the number of people in their early-mid twenties that are politically clueless. Maybe it's because of who my father is, that I am so adamant that every American should exercise their right to vote. Maybe if I were raised differently, I would feel differently, I don't know.  My mom is completely politically neutral.  She does not vote, and she does not get involved in politics.  I am ok with that.  (I know, hypocritical you say, right?) Not really...I am ok with my mom being neutral and refusing to vote because she is truly neutral. Which means she doesn't vote, but she also doesn't bitch.  She doesn't complain about our political leaders and/or the policies that they put in place.  She goes thru her life just living for herself, and doing what she is told to do.  That is what makes her happy, and that is ok with me. That means that she does not have the right to complain about our government...and she knows that.

My dad on the other hand? Couldn't be further from mom on the political spectrum. He IS an elected official. Albeit, a small farm town commissioner in rural Vermont...but that doesn't matter, he is involved. He voices his opinion, he makes his feelings known.  That gives him the right to complain if he doesn't like the way things are going.


Since I grew up with parents that were complete and total polar opposites from each other, I got to explore both sides of the spectrum, and it helped me to understand the importance of making my voice heard.  My dad always beat it into my head that voting of our officials is a RIGHT that we are given in this country.  And that if we don't exercise that right, then we do not have the right to complain about whatever happens.

Well...we all know Liza loves to complain!


It blows my mind that so many people our age just don't give a damn. I don't care if your opinions are the same as mine, if you make an informed decision about something, and you vote your opinion, then you are doing your part.

Which brings me to my second point...INFORMED decisions.   Yeah...those seem to have gone right out the window, don't they?  A recent conversation with a friend made me realize that some people (a lot of people?) actually form their opinions of a candidate based on the commercials they see on TV.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

I don't even know where to begin in addressing that topic. Maybe it's better that those people just don't vote at all. I dunno.

Suggestions for Divorce Lawyer?

I may be needing to hire one. So if any of you guys have strong connections, keep me in mind.

Don't be mistaken...I am not having any marital problems (at least none that I know of...) but I'm starting to think my husband might be planning to kick me to the curb.  Maybe he finally realized he's infinitely hotter than me or something. I dunno.  He came home last night talking about a story he heard on the radio about a couple who got divorced and had a custody battle over their dog.

He says "I'm just telling you, if we ever get divorced...I am definitely taking you to court over Rome."

What the hell ever! He can take the kids. He can keep the house. I will even let him keep my coveted mini-van. But there is no way in hell he is keeping the dog. The dog and the boat are mine.

I am even willing to work out some kind of a joint custody arrangement on the boat. But Romeo is off limits.

I am a flipping MESS!

A complete and utter disorganized, disheveled MESS!

I know what you're thinking. "oh Liza...everyone is a tad disorganized at times. Everyone forgets things at times."

Ya, you really have no earthly idea.  I am THAT mom...the one who forgets to pick my kids up from school. No, you still don't get it. Sure, you've probably forgotten your kid a time or two. It's to be expected...we are busy women, with busy schedules...shiz happens.  No, I am the mom who ALWAYS forgets my kid. Last year, Daughter #2 had after school band practice Every. Single. Wednesday.  And I drove all the way home without picking her up, you guessed it...Every. Single. Wednesday.

She would get pissed at me too. The phone call always went something like this "Hello?" "ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS? YOU FORGOT ME AGAIN?!?! THAT MAKES 7 WEEKS IN A ROW YOU KNOW! IT'S HOT OUT HERE!"

To which I always respond "Shut up kid. I'm on my way.  You keep this between us, and I'll buy you an ice cream on the way home."

I easily spent a month's worth of my salary feeding that kid sugary frozen treats just to keep her from telling her father how many times I left her sitting at school.

That's not even the tip of the iceberg either. I go to the store for a gallon of milk, walk out $200 later with no milk.  And the worst part is, I don't even realize it til the next day.

I recently went out of town for a 4 day little mini-vaca.  I packed 8 pairs of pants for the trip, and no shirts.

Just last week I decided to have a fish fry for dinner. Turned on the fryer to heat up my grease while I prepped the fish.  However, after turning on the fryer, I completely forgot that I intended have a fish fry. I made meatloaf, mashed taters and corn.  The next morning, my husband found the fryer still on. It's a wonder I didn't burn my freaking house down.


I really think there is something wrong with me. This is not normal mom-brain.  This is like mom-brain mixed with a side of ADHD, and a little bit of schizophrenia thrown in there just to spice things up a tad.

The bad thing is, 2 out of the 3 kids are just like me in this regard.  Obviously, they don't share my DNA, but i'm pretty sure they've contracted this disease by osmosis or something.  The oldest girl, and the boy...yeah, they are doomed.  I sent the boy upstairs to brush his teeth two nights ago.  He came down 20 minutes later wearing different clothes, and with his hair wet.  Never brushed his teeth...because when he got to the top of the stairs and couldn't recall why I sent him up there, he assumed it was to take a shower and get dressed.

Our eldest daughter? Exactly the same way.

The middle one on the other hand? She is OCD enough for all the rest of us combined.  And don't ever tell her anything unless you really want her to remember it.  How do you think I got stuck buy so damn many ice creams last year?

So tell me, what do you forget to do?

We women are serious hypocrites!

I know...my Girl's Night Out rights are about to be revoked. I'm stepping over to the other side for just one minute, and I'm going to pay for it dearly.  Lucky for me, my girlfriends are fairly forgiving (I hope!).

It's the year 2012...the days of women belonging in the kitchen are long gone. We've worked hard to establish our equality, and that is something I'm damn proud of. Just because I work for a construction company doesn't mean I am a secretary...I know as much about building as all of my guys, and more than most of them.

My daughters can practically recite my entire "women must be independent of their men" speech by heart. They've heard it so many times that I'm pretty sure if I ever lost my place and needed help finishing it, they could take right over for me.

I am ALL in favor of women's equality. We should be treated the same. Paid the same. Respected the same.

Or should we?

ohhhhhhhhhhh...here comes the part i'm going to get in trouble for!


As my brother so aptly pointed out this morning in a little silly banter we had going on...us girls want to be treated equal, but only when it's convenient for us.  When it's easier to just be a "girl" we are perfectly happy being the weaker sex!

I can do ANYTHING my husband can do. Unless I need a jar opened...in which case his ass better get over here and open it for me. I mean honestly? I can engineer and design a beautiful room that will withstand hurricane force winds...but I can't open a mother F($)@#$ jar of spaghetti sauce? What is up with that? It's like God's way of saying "hahahaha...you girls keep right on thinking you're equal with your men...now why don't you open up some relish to serve on top of that delicious hot dog...oh, wait, just kidding! You totally can't do that!!"

We also demand that the toilet seat be put down. Why? Why do we get to leave it down, when that's obviously the exact opposite of how our male counterparts need it to be, but yet they have to make sure it's perfectly positioned for us when we go in there?

I am Sherah! I demand to be treated the same as all the guys! "Hey honey, can you grab that 400 pound dresser and move it to the other side of the room for me?"

EQUAL RIGHTS, EQUAL RIGHTS, EQUAL RIGHTS!! Ohh, shoot...there's only one chair, and there's two of us? Ooops...the gentlemanly thing to do would be to let the lady have a seat, now wouldn't it? Bless your heart! =)

Strange noise outside my house in the middle of the night? You can bet your ass that I'm not the one going out there to find out what it is.

Icky spider in my closet? Yeah...I'm not handling that one either.


Now, let me just clarify that I have ZERO intention of changing my ways.  I will continue on being a "feminist"...but only when the toilet does not need to be plunged...in which case, I'm totally cool with being weaker.

Parents who say "how do I talk to my kids?"...

I heard a caller on the radio this morning who kind of got me thinking...she was asking opinions on how to talk to her son about the Colorado movie theater shooting.  Apparently she had been sheltering him from watching the news, etc because she didn't want him to hear about it, and then yesterday he went for a play date with friends, and heard about it at their house.

She said he came home asking her about it, and she didn't know how to talk to him about it.

How about talk to him honestly? Why do parents have such a hard time being truthful with their kids? It amazes me that so many parents try to deceive their children, but then are baffled when their kids lie to them. Kids do what they see their parents doing....that's pretty simple.

My son also asked me about the shooting...and no, it's not easy to have a conversation with your child that you know for a fact is going to chip away at a piece of their innocence. But, I would much rather be the one to have those convo's than let them hear things from other people, like this person experienced this weekend.    The hard talks are always uncomfortable, and you do have to be cautious to only divulge as much information as their maturity level allows for, but I think there is a fine line between protecting them and just flat out being dishonest.  And when they get older, they will look back and understand whether you were lying or just trying to protect them by only giving the amount of information that they could handle.

Our kids know if they ask us a question, they are going to get an honest answer.  Sometimes, this makes for a great deal of comedy...like when my son asks questions about circumcision at the dinner table, while his sisters have friends sleeping over...or when he sees a box of tampons in my shopping cart and decides to ask (very loudly) what they are for in the middle of walmart.

In those embarrassing situations (although I gotta say, they embarrass the girls a whole lot more than they bother me. I find them funny most of the time...),  I will sometimes tell him that this isn't an appropriate time and place for the conversation at hand, and to remind me later when it's just us so we can talk about it. But, I  don't lie to him.

It just begs the question, how can we as parents expect our kids to do as we tell them and always approach us with honesty if we don't lead by example?

Chopee's of the Day

That's right, plural. I've got more than one today.

First off...I want to get it out of the way that Jen from PeopleIWantToPunchInTheThroat.com is at the very top of my Chopee list.  I hate her.  I mean, really I flipping LOVE her. She is an incredibly funny woman...she makes me laugh hysterically, and the similarities between us are uncanny.  But thats why she deserves a throat chop.  Number one, the world really can't handle more than one of us, and I feel like she's stepping on my toes.  And number two, an increasing number of people think that my Throat Chop is a copy cat of her Throat Punch...but those who know me, know that I was threatening to cause damage to random people's trachea long before I ever knew she existed.  Seriously, you should check out her blog, it's awesome...just don't accuse me of stealing any of her crap. I didn't ask for her to be like me.

Second...the next mother-loving person who asks me when I'm going to have a baby is going to get it. Seriously. Some little old lady in my office this morning was all "how old are your kids, honey" which I HATE when people ask me that, because when I answer it is very evident that I am not old enough to be their mother, which then requires me to go on to the explanation that they are technically my step-children.  I abhor the term "step-children"...so I really don't like it when I'm backed into a corner and have to call them that.

And then, after I say they are my step-kids, always comes the next question "well don't you want one of your own?!?!?!"

Of course I do. Because it is completely and totally incomprehensible that I might be happy with my life, and happy with my children just the way it is? My kids are almost grown, and are all pretty much independent of me. They have their own likes and dislikes, their own social lives, their own...everything.  They are at the age where we get to be more like friends and less like they need us for every single waking moment of their lives.  I am perfectly ok with never changing another diaper as long as I live.   AND...as a bonus, my kids will all be grown and out of the house by the time I am 34 years old.  Yeah...I'm pretty sure I'm ok with things just the way they are.

It just really flippin irritates me that people automatically make assumptions about others. What makes them not my own? The fact that we don't share DNA? That is the sole determining factor in a person either being a parent, or not being a parent?  So I suppose that means all the people out there who have adopted children, they aren't really parents. My dad obviously isn't really my dad. My bio-mom's dad isn't her dad either.

When you think of it that way, there are a lot of poor kids out there who don't have any parents at all, since people who aren't blood related can't really be a parent.

No...I am damn tired of people misunderstand my life. I am not missing anything.  Have I often yearned for the experience of pregnancy, and having an infant? Of course...I am a woman, that is what we are made for. But that doesn't make me any less appreciative of my family.

And my kid's aren't missing anything either.  They have a rare thing going for them...they don't just have one mom. Or a mom and a step-mom.  They have two mom's who would both lay down their life to protect them. We would both give anything to see them succeed and be happy in their life.  We have both given and sacrificed of ourselves to give them the life that they deserve. No, they didn't come from my body...that is a bond that they share with their mom, and their mom alone.  But that doesn't mean that I don't love them with every fiber of my being.

I don't understand why, after EIGHT YEARS, I am still having this argument and having to explain myself to people.  I wish I was older, or looked older...because maybe then it wouldn't cause such a controversy when I say that my daughters are about to be 17 and 15 years old.

Proof positive that God has a sense of humor.

Some of my friends who erroneously think that I am funny, have challenged me to start a blog. I don't expect that anyone will follow it, but I'll give it a shot anyway.

There's a few things you need to know about me:

1) I suffer from a self-diagnosed disorder, which I have deemed to be called "OADD".  (Obsessive-Attention-Deficit-Disorder, for those of you who don't know me well enough to understand.) When a new idea or opportunity presents itself to me, I pour 150% of myself into whatever it is...for about 3.5 seconds. 

If my blog sucks, and reading it makes you want to stab yourself in the eye, this could be  good thing for you.  But on the off chance that it's exceptionally awesome, and you want more...you might be sorely disappointed, because there is a strong chance that one day I will wake up and decide I am bored with blogging, and never write another entry. 

2) Most of the things I say offend someone, somewhere, somehow.  I don't believe this requires any further explanation. If you have big girl panties, you might find me funny.  If you're easily offended, I would recommend that you stop reading now before you get to #3, and see that I'm discussing my believe that God is responsible for all of the comedy in my life.

3) I strongly believe that God has an incredible sense of humor. If He didn't, funny crap wouldn't happen to me nearly as much as it does. I don't make up any of the ridiculous stories that my friends read on Facebook, which is what inspired them to tell me to start a blog.  This shit really happens to me. I don't know why....but I feel like I struck the Life-Lottery. Take this guy for example: 

If God didn't want me to laugh hysterically....why on earth would he place a guy on a motorcycle, wearing a hairpiece, directly in front of my vehicle?  Do you know that I almost died when he took off from that intersection? Because when his hair flew off and landed on the street, I almost killed both him and myself because I hit the gas instead of the brake in my laughter induced stupor.  It was one of the single greatest moments of my life. 

Also....I'm not nearly as funny as people give me credit for. It's the people around me who will make you pee yourself.  Literally....I have a cousin who once made me pee myself laughing.  My kids are the source of most of my jokes...I don't know why my kids are so damn funny...they just are. I don't make up any of their quotes either. Their humor is all them... Further proof that God loves me I suppose. 

Anyway...all that to say, welcome. Hope you like me, but if you don't, it's probably because you suck.