Does bullying begin at home?

Almost every day anymore, we are seeing stories on the news of something tragic happening to a child who has been bullied at school.  Kids that finally come to a breaking point and just snap, and act way outside of the norm for their age/maturity level, or even for themselves.

Every time, the story is exactly the same...the child snaps and hurts themselves or someone else. The community is rocked by it, and the friends/relatives/acquaintances all say that the child was just so quiet, calm, kept to themselves. The community "never saw it coming."

Just in our own area recently, a twelve year old girl was pushed to the point of committing suicide because she was brought so low as to believe there was no other option for her. She believed that no one cared about her.  She thought that she was so hated that she and everyone around her would be better off if she were not here anymore.

This little girl was TWELVE.  A BABY!  As I type this, I am sitting next to my own son who is about to be twelve.  When I look at his young, innocent self, it brings me to tears to think of what on earth could go thru a pre-teen child's mind to make them think that suicide is the only option.

Two of my three kids have had to deal with extensive bullying at some point in their lives.  For my eldest, it was a year or two.  For my youngest, it's been all of his life.  It's the stereotypical crap...he is short and skinny.  He wears glasses and is highly intelligent.  All of these things, which I find to be beautiful about him are used against him on a daily basis, as if he has any control over his stature or vision.

Every time I've heard a story of a child committing suicide or hurting someone else, I have always thought "that could never be me...I am way more in tune with my kids. I would know if something was that far off with one of them."  But would I?   Would I really know? Because when I look back at my own childhood, I remember clearly a LOT of things that went on right under my mom's nose, and she never knew.   Kids are good at hiding things when they want to. 

One of my cousins today posted a little status update on Facebook regarding a situation where she witnessed a situation very similar to what my own son has been through on many occasions.  He has been teased, made fun of, beaten up, had his glasses broken....the list is extensive.  All because of what? Because he is a good, well mannered, skinny kid?

I've always been angry with the kids that do this....but reading my cousin's post today made me think about this bullying epidemic in a new light.  There are efforts all over the US to prevent bullying in schools, but it just occurred to me today, the bigger issue isn't stopping the problem....it's PREVENTING the problem. 

Where does bullying start? Where do kids learn to make fun of people for no other reason than that they are a little different? What causes a child to suddenly think it is ok to be cruel to another human being because they weigh a little more, or a little less than the norm. Because they wear glasses. Because they may not excel in a certain area, or because they do excel in others. Because of their sexual preference, their skin color, or religious values.  Where does hate originate?

I believe wholeheartedly that it starts at home.  I think that we, as parents, teach our children hatred. Maybe some of it is with malicious intent, and maybe some is not...but I think it's the root of the problem, regardless of whether its intentional.

Have you ever laughed at an obese person in the grocery store? Did your kids see you? Have you ever made a crude comment about a homosexual couple at the mall?  Have you ever called someone a nerd? Do you throw the word "gay" around as an insult for anything/anyone that you don't care for? Do you use the word "retarded?" Do you call people stupid or dumb because they don't know the answer to a question?

I do.  I do each and everyone one of these things....or at least I am certain that I have at one point or another. And I am also certain that my kids have seen it.  They have witnessed me being hateful.

Now I'm sure you're thinking "well yeah...but I would never say any of those things to the person's face!"...which might be true....but do your kids know that? Do your kids know that maybe the things you joke about at home are not things you would actually say to someone, because you know they would be traumatizing and hurtful words? Do your kids know that a hateful word can do more damage than a physical assault?  Do your kids know that people are just people, and no matter what their differences, we are all beautiful?

Do you remember when your momma used to tell you "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Do you practice this?

I believe that the cruel hateful mindset that is the root of most bullying starts at home, with our families.  I believe that whether we intend to or not, we are teaching our children that anyone who is not exactly like us is bad and it's ok to make fun. 

I am not preaching...because I'm probably more guilty than anyone I know.  I'm acknowledging that it's a problem, and that I am going to be more conscientious of what I say about people, because in reality...if it's something I wouldn't say to a person's face, then I certainly shouldn't say it behind their back.  I'm going to try a lot harder to adhere to this, and hope that in turn, my children will never be the ones inflicting the pain that others have inflicted upon them.

Ladies...just stay where you belong, mmmmkay?

I don't even know where to begin with this post. I'll just start by referencing the following piece of crap article that one of my girlfriends so delightfully shared with me today:

http://www.fixthefamily.com/blog/6-reasons-to-not-send-your-daughter-to-college


Go ahead and read that gem.  I'll wait.


You finished now? Is your blood boiling? Are you ready to kill someone? If not, you should be.

The most influential person in my life was my grandmother, God rest her soul. My Grammie was a good Christian lady. And, being of her generation, she lived a life that was very similar to what this person describes here.  She had 11 children. ELEVEN.  She did not go to college, she did not have a driver's license.  She stayed home and raised her children and kept her home.  She did not, however, homeschool my father nor his siblings. Aside from that, she pretty well fits the bill for the description given of women here.

My grandmother was honestly one of the most incredible people I've ever met. I have idolized her all of my life, and strive daily to be more like her.  I always thought if I could be just like my Grammie, I would consider myself a success.

However...there are a few little known facts about my Grammie. As I stated earlier, she was the most influential person in my life.  Given the number of children and grand children that she had, I covet the amount of intimate time that I got to spend with her.  Myself and one of my cousins, Erin, were blessed in that we got to spend more time with her and learn more from her than I think any of her other grandchildren. The summers we spent together at our grandparents house growing up are something that no one can ever take away.

In the time we spent together, we learned invaluable lessons from Grammie.  We learned how to garden, we learned how to cook and bake (although Grammie would never admit to teaching us to cook, she would say she taught us to read a recipe...), we learned how to knit and cross stitch, we learned how to sneak treats upstairs for our giggle-filled nights of watching soap operas and chatting about any and everything.

And, we also learned how to be strong, independent women.

Our grandmother taught us that, although she stayed home and raised her family in the way that she thought to be proper, that she was never truly happy with that life.  She taught us that we needed to have our own hopes, dreams, and goals for life.  She taught us that having a driver's license and being able to transport ourselves places was as crucial as breathing.  She taught us that we should never sacrifice our own happiness for the happiness of a man.  That a husband and wife should be a compliment to one another, always making sacrifices for EACH other, and that no person is better than another.

I also loved and idolized my grandfather, as he was quite literally the most intelligent person I've ever known.  He spent countless hours with us on his knee, teaching us to read, showing us how to plant and cultivate things, taking us hiking and teaching us about nature.  He was an incredible man...but I also observed how he and Grammie interacted with one another.  There was no passion. They did not look at each other the way my husband and I do.  They were not tender with one another.  There were times that I saw Grammie send Grandpa to the grocery with a list, and he would come back without several of the items she asked for, because he didn't "think" she really needed them.

My grandparents were faithful to one another.  Grammie faithfully kept his home, and put a beautiful meal on the table for him every day for near on 70 years. She raised his children, and he provided for her and the family.

But do I believe that either of them were fulfilled in their life? No. I do not.

I witnessed the exact lifestyle that the author of this article is referencing, and I saw the emptiness that they both felt.  I listened to my Grammie when she told me that I needed to seek happiness and a fulfilling life for my own future, whether that happiness came from being a stay-at-home mom, or having a career, or being single, or going to college...whatever it was, all she wanted for our generation was to be happy with our choices.

When I read this article written by a man...and then I reflect on the lessons I was taught by a very noble woman who lived exactly the life described here, it incites a rage in me that I don't even have words to express.  Who is this man to judge the life of another? Who is this man to condemn me and my family as sinners, for choosing the path that leads to the most happiness and fulfillment for everyone in my home? Who is this man to think he knows God's design?

You know who I think the real sinners are?  Those who think they know all the answers, and that there is a "one size fits all" way of life. Judge not, lest ye be not judged, right?

Were our entire childhood's based upon a lie?

I had an epiphany the other day when my kid went missing for about 2 hours. (yeah yeah...missing kid, scary stuff.  She was found and fine and hadn't been raped, so we can just skip over that for now...

While I was in the midst of freaking out because my kid was MIA, one of my girlfriends mentioned that she was in the area of the school and would be happy to swing by and take a looksie. She asked if she had permission to embarrass my daughter if/when she found her. Of course! I said.

So in true bestie fashion, she held true to her word.  As soon as she spotted my daughter, she began honking the horn obnoxiously and screaming her name out the window of the car (first AND last i might add).  While she was disappointed that she didn't know Court's middle name, she was still able to turn plenty of teenage heads on campus, and operation embarrass the hell out of the 15 year old was a success.

How does this equate to our own childhood being a lie, you ask?

Well...it got me thinking.  Every American teenager since the beginning of the beginning has believed (rightfully so) that our parents were lame as hell.  But....WHAT IF...they really weren't lame and it was all just a rouse to make our lives miserable all while providing themselves with secret entertainment?

I look back on my own parents.  My dad for example...surely he had to have known that under no circumstances is it cool and/or fashionably acceptable to wear swim trunks with a collared shirt, knee high black dress socks and penny loafers. But, he wore that outfit almost every time he took me out in public somewhere.

Did my mom really think that dance that she did in the stands at every marching band performance that she attended was cool? You know the one...where every other spectator is sitting and watching politely, but that ONE mom is standing on top of the bleachers raising the roof, gyrating in some motion that is supposed to resemble a dance but is in no way keeping time with the music, all while screaming your name and you are just praying that your uniform makes you look anonymous enough that no one else will recognize you. That dance that makes you secretly hate your parents for giving you a unique name that no one else has, because they would have been kind enough to name you Jessica or Jennifer, no one would ever know which kid this crazy woman belonged to.

What about when mom rolled up to the school to drop you off wearing nothing but her bathrobe? And you begged her to drop you off a conservative 6-8 city blocks from the school because "you needed the exercise anyway?"  I KNOW this is sometimes a set up, because I *may* have at one point actually put my bathrobe on over top of my clothes that I was already wearing, just for the simple fact that my kids make it so loudly known that I should never, ever take them to school wearing my robe.

WHAT IF...your parents are out one day, and dad needs a haircut...and the conversation goes like this "honey, i need to get my haircut.  you know what would be really funny? If I got a mullet." And mom replies "I'll pay you in a lifetime supply of *adult* favors if you get a mullet and show up at Little Johnny's football practice."


It's finally starting to dawn on me.  Maybe I'm not original.  I make a lifelong career out of coming up with the most creative and spiteful ways to embarrass my children.  I've always done it thinking that since I had to endure lame-o parents that mine should have to do the same.  But what if that's always been the way of the world.  What if all of our parents were actually INTENTIONALLY embarrassing us all those years?

I feel like I've been robbed of my innocence here. Now I need to call my mom and do some investigative research.